When we first found out about my tumor, I started using a notebook to write down scriptures and encouraging words - things I could reflect on quickly without flipping endlessly through my Bible or devotion books. In recent days I have used that notebook to write several journal entries. These personal entries speak more truth than I am comfortable sharing with the world. But what good is my testimony of God's greatness if I am not honest with you (and myself) about my struggle. Because in my darkest hour is when HE shines brightest.
So, here are the thoughts I struggle with daily:
I HATE having a brain tumor.
But God...
I HATE being told that any brain tumor, whether benign or malignant, is considered brain cancer.
But God...
I HATE not being allowed to drive.
But God...
I HATE feeling like a prisoner in my own home.
But God...
I HATE that my family is suffering along with me.
But God...
I HATE having seizures.
But God...
I HATE feeling guilty for all this frustration.
But God...
I have struggled with this feeling of hate because I thought it contradicted trusting God. Now I feel differently. I can still have complete faith and trust in my Savior and hate the situation. Just like any parent hates when their child is sick. It doesn't mean they trust God less. (Maybe I'm wrong about this. If so, you wise theologians are welcome to correct me and lead me in the right direction.) I just know for myself, if I am to have joy and peace in the midst of this trial, then I need to be able to express my true feelings without the guilt. God already knows what I'm thinking and how I feel anyways. He knows me better than I know myself. Thank goodness! :)
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Saturday, November 3, 2012
I'll Praise You in this Storm
I thought starting a blog would be the easiest way to keep everyone updated, but I don't enjoy blogging, and I'm okay with that. It reminds me too much of writing essays and papers in high school. BLEH!
Kevin and I made a trip to Nashville this past week for another MRI scan on the 29th and an appointment with the doctor on the 30th. Both were uneventful as far as appointments go. Check in, get stuck (Labs/IV), wait, wait, wait, take care of business, go home. What's funny, I guess, is that as many times as I've had needles shoved in my arms, I'm starting to remember the people who are good at what they do and the ones who should practice on themselves before going to work. Ouch!
We met with Dr. Moots on Tuesday morning to discuss the MRI. His initial assessment before receiving the radiologist's report was that there were no changes to the tumor. If there were any, they were minimal. Then on 10/31 he sent me a message with the following information:
The official report on the MRI is that the core is unchanged. The deep or inner edge on the views without contrast was described as "minimally increased". This can result from radiation after-effects, although we cannot entirely exclude tumor growth as the cause. I think the best plan is to push ahead and we will keep watching that closely on the MRIs.
So, we will keep on keeping on. I believe that NOTHING is impossible for God, and I have prayed that this tumor would bring Him glory. I fail Him when I rely on my own strength, but I know that when I surrender my will to Him the possibilities are endless!
Kevin and I made a trip to Nashville this past week for another MRI scan on the 29th and an appointment with the doctor on the 30th. Both were uneventful as far as appointments go. Check in, get stuck (Labs/IV), wait, wait, wait, take care of business, go home. What's funny, I guess, is that as many times as I've had needles shoved in my arms, I'm starting to remember the people who are good at what they do and the ones who should practice on themselves before going to work. Ouch!
We met with Dr. Moots on Tuesday morning to discuss the MRI. His initial assessment before receiving the radiologist's report was that there were no changes to the tumor. If there were any, they were minimal. Then on 10/31 he sent me a message with the following information:
The official report on the MRI is that the core is unchanged. The deep or inner edge on the views without contrast was described as "minimally increased". This can result from radiation after-effects, although we cannot entirely exclude tumor growth as the cause. I think the best plan is to push ahead and we will keep watching that closely on the MRIs.
So, we will keep on keeping on. I believe that NOTHING is impossible for God, and I have prayed that this tumor would bring Him glory. I fail Him when I rely on my own strength, but I know that when I surrender my will to Him the possibilities are endless!
Friday, October 12, 2012
You Stink, Mr. Focal Seizure!
Today marks exactly one year since I went for a drive by myself. (Oh, how I took driving for granted.) It was a Wednesday night, and I had an appointment at the Sky Ridge Westside campus for my very first MRI scan ever. I will never forget that night. Two life-changing events (as my Mom put it earlier) occurring at the same time. Brain scan and last time driving for a year.
It's really too bad that I had no clue it would be my last trip alone for a while. I may have just kept on going, and going, and going... Well, at least until I got tired, haha. I am the mother of two young boys. I imagine I would have driven to the mountain top and taken in the view. Or cruised down the strip blasting Natalie Grant's latest album.
Just kidding about cruising the strip, but I did/do like my music loud when I drive.
In the state of TN a person must be seizure-free for six months before he/she is allowed to drive again. While I have not had my license revoked, my seizure activity has been noted on my medical record. It's hard not to count the days since my last seizure (about 2 weeks!), even though it's such a crushing feeling to know that the clock starts over every time I have one. I dream of the day I can get behind the wheel. It WILL come eventually. It has to. This has been the longest year of my life thus far.
It's really too bad that I had no clue it would be my last trip alone for a while. I may have just kept on going, and going, and going... Well, at least until I got tired, haha. I am the mother of two young boys. I imagine I would have driven to the mountain top and taken in the view. Or cruised down the strip blasting Natalie Grant's latest album.
Just kidding about cruising the strip, but I did/do like my music loud when I drive.
In the state of TN a person must be seizure-free for six months before he/she is allowed to drive again. While I have not had my license revoked, my seizure activity has been noted on my medical record. It's hard not to count the days since my last seizure (about 2 weeks!), even though it's such a crushing feeling to know that the clock starts over every time I have one. I dream of the day I can get behind the wheel. It WILL come eventually. It has to. This has been the longest year of my life thus far.
Friday, September 21, 2012
What's Your Mud?
Life is not all daisies and sunshine. The rain comes whether you're ready for it or not, and when it does, you can find yourself trudging through the mud. Sometimes the mud is only surface deep. You slip and slide, maybe even fall down a time or two, but you get out rather quickly. Sometimes the mud is up to your knees. You lose both shoes with your first steps in, and your progress is minimal. This is the last place you want to be - stuck in the muck and mire.
But you can't quit.
You have to keep putting one foot in front of the other to try to get out. It's the only option. It's dirty, it's tiring, and it's lonely. There are people on the sidelines cheering you on, offering you support, and hoping for the best, but YOU are the one fighting for every step. YOU are the one determined to find your footing and make it out of the miry pit. There are tears shed. Sometimes hope is lost. But in the middle of that stinky, yucky, dirty mess is a Savior whose name is Jesus. He is there just waiting for you to call out His name. He is faithful and will never leave you. He will see you through to the other side when you put your trust in Him. He is your hope.
He is my hope.
Psalm 40:1-2
1 I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. 2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
But you can't quit.
You have to keep putting one foot in front of the other to try to get out. It's the only option. It's dirty, it's tiring, and it's lonely. There are people on the sidelines cheering you on, offering you support, and hoping for the best, but YOU are the one fighting for every step. YOU are the one determined to find your footing and make it out of the miry pit. There are tears shed. Sometimes hope is lost. But in the middle of that stinky, yucky, dirty mess is a Savior whose name is Jesus. He is there just waiting for you to call out His name. He is faithful and will never leave you. He will see you through to the other side when you put your trust in Him. He is your hope.
He is my hope.
Psalm 40:1-2
1 I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. 2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Little Bits of Information
I just finished my third round of chemo.
I am grateful that Temodar does not have the same harsh side effects as traditional chemotherapy.
Temodar does leave me slightly nauseous by day five, though.
The last two rounds have also left me with hives - fun! :/
This round I was smart enough to take a benadryl.
I still love folded chips!
The good doctor boosted my steroid dosage during this last round of Temodar to prevent any reactions.
The increased steroids have provided me the most restless sleep ever.
I am grateful the steroids did not increase my appetite.
I wish the steroids would make this bald spot on my head disappear. :)
Being diagnosed with a brain tumor really changes your perspective on what's important in life.
I am grateful that Temodar does not have the same harsh side effects as traditional chemotherapy.
Temodar does leave me slightly nauseous by day five, though.
The last two rounds have also left me with hives - fun! :/
This round I was smart enough to take a benadryl.
I still love folded chips!
The good doctor boosted my steroid dosage during this last round of Temodar to prevent any reactions.
The increased steroids have provided me the most restless sleep ever.
I am grateful the steroids did not increase my appetite.
I wish the steroids would make this bald spot on my head disappear. :)
Being diagnosed with a brain tumor really changes your perspective on what's important in life.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
HEALTH UPDATE
I was supposed to start round two of my chemo pill (Temodar) on Monday; however, results from labwork I had done last week show my platelet level is low. They will recheck this Friday and go from there. We're also still working on getting my meds adjusted after my flurry of seizures during round one of temodar. High doses of anti-seizure meds and steroids are not good for anyone - just ask Kevin. I've been on steroids since the middle of March, and he's still married to me! ;) I think we're finally headed in the right direction, though.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
TOXICITY [tok-sis-i-tee] noun - the quality, relative degree, or specific degree of being toxic or poisonous: to determine the toxicity of arsenic.
 |
| My drug stash |
Fighting brokenness.
Empty words.
-Kept promises.
"It's nice to meet you."
-Honest mistake.
Mountains of laundry.
-Working washer.Sheer exhaustion.
-Physical ability to move.
30 lbs.
-Could be 50.
Moon face.
-Can still reflect the Son even in the darkness.
 |
| My moon face, buffalo hump, and 30 extra pounds (Cushing's syndrome) all courtesy of dexamethasone. |
What I miss about driving...
MY FREEDOM.
Going places by myself.
No pressure of drivers waiting on me to finish my errands.
Running to the store just to wander around.
Taking the boys anywhere.
Leaving the house to check the mail.
Planning and spending time with friends.
Being able to satisfy a craving. Glazed donut from The Village Bake Shop, anyone?
Circling the block just to hear the end of a great song.
Getting the boys out of the house when we need a break from a rough day.
Late night runs to the grocery store.
Having control of the wheel.
Driving to work.
Being able to commit to events/activities. (Hard to do when you know it requires finding a ride.)
Planning family fun time.
Trips to Chick-fil-A just for a sweet tea.
Almost everything.
 |
| Someday we'll meet again... :) |
My boys love me bald or not. Moon face or not. 30 pounds heavier or not.
I have two legs that function properly and allow me to walk to the store.
I live close enough to the store that I can walk there if I need something.
I have family and friends who step up when I ask for help.
I have family and friends who help even when I don't ask.
I am alive.
I am loved.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
A Minor Delay
Here is the facebook post I wrote following my doctor's appointment in Nashville on May 16th. Just a little late, I'd say. =/ Sorry, guys.
I've been up since 5:20am, but would probably be hunted down if I didn't post an update before going to bed. My scan today did not show any major changes in the size of the tumor. (Slightly smaller by millimeters, if any.) There is still some swelling and inflammation, which the doctor said was normal. Good news, though... the area of the tumor that enhanced with contrast has lessened. This area was the biggest concern among the doctors. I start a higher dose of Temodar (chemotherapy pill) soon, which will be taken 5 days/month for the next 6 months. Dr. Moots wants me to return to Nashville every two months for follow-up scans. Road trip, anyone? :)
And in other news...
I am tired. physically. mentally. emotionally. etc. This journey is hard.
Philippians 4:13 (NKJV)
I've been up since 5:20am, but would probably be hunted down if I didn't post an update before going to bed. My scan today did not show any major changes in the size of the tumor. (Slightly smaller by millimeters, if any.) There is still some swelling and inflammation, which the doctor said was normal. Good news, though... the area of the tumor that enhanced with contrast has lessened. This area was the biggest concern among the doctors. I start a higher dose of Temodar (chemotherapy pill) soon, which will be taken 5 days/month for the next 6 months. Dr. Moots wants me to return to Nashville every two months for follow-up scans. Road trip, anyone? :)
And in other news...
I am tired. physically. mentally. emotionally. etc. This journey is hard.
Philippians 4:13 (NKJV)
13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Your prayers are much appreciated. Also, please say a special prayer for Kevin and our boys. They have been so patient with this steroid-crazed wife/momma. (Not that I can blame all my irritability on the prescription meds...) Two and a half months is a long time to be drugged up, and we still have a few weeks to go. I said it the other night at our Life Group, and I will repeat it here, "Kevin deserves some kind of reward for putting up with me these last few weeks."
I am truly blessed.
Your prayers are much appreciated. Also, please say a special prayer for Kevin and our boys. They have been so patient with this steroid-crazed wife/momma. (Not that I can blame all my irritability on the prescription meds...) Two and a half months is a long time to be drugged up, and we still have a few weeks to go. I said it the other night at our Life Group, and I will repeat it here, "Kevin deserves some kind of reward for putting up with me these last few weeks."
I am truly blessed.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
A Life Lived Now
It was five months ago today we walked out of a hotel in Nashville at dark-thirty in the morning and started a drive that would seem to take hours and yet was over entirely too soon. Mom had been with us for almost a month already, and Dad flew up the day before. Grandpa and Grandma Tucker also drove up from Florida to join us on this uncertain journey. I was having brain surgery.
Shower. Seizure meds with only a sip of water. No lotion, makeup, or nail polish. Having the last-minute conversations that are uncomfortable, but necessary. It was a quiet morning filled with small talk to help the time pass, but mostly filled with prayer and reflection. We stood together in the lobby of the hospital one last time before they took me back, and we placed our trust in a God who already knew how the day would unfold.
My journey with an unresectable brain tumor continues to be completely unpredictable. So it seems appropriate that today - exactly five months after surgery, I will head to Erlanger for my final radiation treatment. 30-0!
Another scan is scheduled for the morning of May 16th in Nashville. Then Kevin and I will meet with Dr. Moots the same afternoon to discuss the results. I will most likely continue taking Temodar (chemo pill) for another six months, but aside from that, I have no idea what happens next. And that's okay. I will work hard to enjoy each day to the fullest, because none of us is guaranteed tomorrow.
Shower. Seizure meds with only a sip of water. No lotion, makeup, or nail polish. Having the last-minute conversations that are uncomfortable, but necessary. It was a quiet morning filled with small talk to help the time pass, but mostly filled with prayer and reflection. We stood together in the lobby of the hospital one last time before they took me back, and we placed our trust in a God who already knew how the day would unfold.
My journey with an unresectable brain tumor continues to be completely unpredictable. So it seems appropriate that today - exactly five months after surgery, I will head to Erlanger for my final radiation treatment. 30-0!
Another scan is scheduled for the morning of May 16th in Nashville. Then Kevin and I will meet with Dr. Moots the same afternoon to discuss the results. I will most likely continue taking Temodar (chemo pill) for another six months, but aside from that, I have no idea what happens next. And that's okay. I will work hard to enjoy each day to the fullest, because none of us is guaranteed tomorrow.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Pictures
I originally had no intention of posting pictures of my hair loss (from radiation treatment) on here or Facebook or anywhere for that matter, but then I was like, "Whatever." :) This is just part of the journey.
Sunday, March 18th - My part is getting wider, and a mild bald spot starts to appear on the right side of my head.
*Side note: The boys and I were going to have pictures made on Tuesday, March 13th, but a couple of seizures canceled that. So, I moved it back to Friday. I almost scheduled our session for the following Monday, but I knew my hair would probably start falling out soon. It was a good thing I opted for Friday, because by Sunday I was shedding like crazy.
Friday, March 16th
Mommy, Westin, and Nolan
Mommy, Westin, and Nolan
Sunday, March 18th - My part is getting wider, and a mild bald spot starts to appear on the right side of my head.
Monday, March 19th - Significant changes:
Friday, March 23rd - Getting a mohawk is no longer an option:
I now have an extremely large area of baldness. It's such a shame, too, because I really liked my hair. :) The plan is to shave the rest of it off as soon as I have permission from the doctor. (I think we're going to throw a head-shaving party!) Then I might look for a cute wig to wear - or not. Either way, I will still have to wear hats whenever I am outside to protect my scalp from the sun.
A Heart Full...
My heart has been heavy for some time now with burdens and thoughts that I cannot ignore. They are quite persistent. So, here I am. There is no better way to do this than to just let it spill out.
I am a Christian. I believe the Bible is truth. I believe in one God who created the heavens and the earth. I believe that Jesus Christ is my Savior, and He died on a cross for me. A sinner. A sinner saved only by grace. I do not always understand everything the Bible has to say, and I don't suppose I ever will this side of heaven. But that doesn't mean I won't try.
I will make mistakes. I do make mistakes. Every day. I have to say I'm sorry. I have to admit I am wrong. I have to ask for forgiveness over and over again. And that's okay, because I know I am loved and forgiven. Forgiven by a God who knows me better than I know myself.
I confessed my issue with anger and rage to someone I trust recently, and it was so freeing. I felt like it was this dark cloud hanging over me ready to shoot lightning down on my head at any second. I don't think I purposely hid it from everyone around me, but I certainly wasn't preaching it from the pulpit either. Sure there were times where I would tell a friend about my temper, but the usual response was just laughter and a shrug. "You're too sweet to have a temper," or "Not you," they would would say.
The ones closest to me knew it all too well, though. Kevin, my boys, my family. Theyknew know the real me. The short-tempered person who has trouble controlling her rage sometimes. There is no excuse for this unbecoming behavior. It is my sinful nature in this fallen world, and it must be put to death. Which is why on that particular Sunday morning I decided to confess my sin to a fellow believer. I was not judged or scolded, but prayed with and gently guided to scriptures that would help me on my path to righteousness.
The freedom I found in sharing my very personal struggle got me thinking about how many times we as believers miss out on a blessing (or deliverance, or freedom, or healing, or forgiveness, etc.) because we are too stubborn (or prideful, or ashamed, or bitter, etc.) to confess our sins one to another. I'm not talking about telling me everything you've ever done or sharing every sin and wrong choice with the world. But what if...
WHAT IF you let your confession become your testimony?
What if you took the time to share your story and in the process helped someone else find the courage to share theirs, too? What if the testimony you gave of how God saved you from a sinful life and set you free by the power of His blood led another sinner to faith in Christ? What if?
Please do not go out to the street corner and confess your sins to the world just because you read this blog post. I'm not pushing for that. I'm only urging you to pray and listen for what the Holy Spirit might be leading you to do.
I am a Christian. I believe the Bible is truth. I believe in one God who created the heavens and the earth. I believe that Jesus Christ is my Savior, and He died on a cross for me. A sinner. A sinner saved only by grace. I do not always understand everything the Bible has to say, and I don't suppose I ever will this side of heaven. But that doesn't mean I won't try.
I will make mistakes. I do make mistakes. Every day. I have to say I'm sorry. I have to admit I am wrong. I have to ask for forgiveness over and over again. And that's okay, because I know I am loved and forgiven. Forgiven by a God who knows me better than I know myself.
I confessed my issue with anger and rage to someone I trust recently, and it was so freeing. I felt like it was this dark cloud hanging over me ready to shoot lightning down on my head at any second. I don't think I purposely hid it from everyone around me, but I certainly wasn't preaching it from the pulpit either. Sure there were times where I would tell a friend about my temper, but the usual response was just laughter and a shrug. "You're too sweet to have a temper," or "Not you," they would would say.
The ones closest to me knew it all too well, though. Kevin, my boys, my family. They
The freedom I found in sharing my very personal struggle got me thinking about how many times we as believers miss out on a blessing (or deliverance, or freedom, or healing, or forgiveness, etc.) because we are too stubborn (or prideful, or ashamed, or bitter, etc.) to confess our sins one to another. I'm not talking about telling me everything you've ever done or sharing every sin and wrong choice with the world. But what if...
WHAT IF you let your confession become your testimony?
What if you took the time to share your story and in the process helped someone else find the courage to share theirs, too? What if the testimony you gave of how God saved you from a sinful life and set you free by the power of His blood led another sinner to faith in Christ? What if?
Please do not go out to the street corner and confess your sins to the world just because you read this blog post. I'm not pushing for that. I'm only urging you to pray and listen for what the Holy Spirit might be leading you to do.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Halfway!
Today marked the end of my third week of radiation treatment. We are halfway to the finish line! :)
I have lost quite a bit of hair from the top and right side of my scalp. I'm not afraid of having bald spots, but the process of watching it fall out 20-30 strands at a time is frustrating. Kevin will probably need to invest in some Drano when all is said and done. *I will try to get some pictures of my bald head up this week.
How am I feeling? A little tired most of the time, but not a huge noticeable difference when you consider I am used to chasing my 4yo and 1yo sons. I am so grateful that my Mom is here to help out with them and to drive me to my treatments. I did have two seizures last week that were frightening, but the good doctor got me straightened out by putting me on steroids. Now I have an increased appetite, and I tend to feel wired throughout the day. I even woke up at 5:30 this morning, which brought back lots of post-surgery memories. My most productive hours after surgery were from 4am-7am.
I have not done a good job of keeping this updated, and that's okay. Maybe I should add a tab next to the Timeline where I can copy my random (and short) comments from facebook. What do you think?
More to come...
I have lost quite a bit of hair from the top and right side of my scalp. I'm not afraid of having bald spots, but the process of watching it fall out 20-30 strands at a time is frustrating. Kevin will probably need to invest in some Drano when all is said and done. *I will try to get some pictures of my bald head up this week.
How am I feeling? A little tired most of the time, but not a huge noticeable difference when you consider I am used to chasing my 4yo and 1yo sons. I am so grateful that my Mom is here to help out with them and to drive me to my treatments. I did have two seizures last week that were frightening, but the good doctor got me straightened out by putting me on steroids. Now I have an increased appetite, and I tend to feel wired throughout the day. I even woke up at 5:30 this morning, which brought back lots of post-surgery memories. My most productive hours after surgery were from 4am-7am.
I have not done a good job of keeping this updated, and that's okay. Maybe I should add a tab next to the Timeline where I can copy my random (and short) comments from facebook. What do you think?
More to come...
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Radiation: Day 1
I did it! I survived my first day of treatment! :) It actually wasn't that bad. Kevin took these lovely pictures for me:
After bolting my head to the table, the technicians took some x-rays to make sure I was in the correct position. Then Dr. Gefter (Radiation Oncologist) and Dr. Berg (Medical Physicist) did a dry run to make sure my mask was marked correctly. We were all set! The actual treatment lasted less than two minutes, and I didn't feel a thing.
Dr. Gefter showed me where I might have hair loss that could take six months or more to grow back, but as Westin said tonight, "Jesus can hold your hair on with His hands. Right, Mommy?" I will stand in agreement with that!
I took my first dose of Temodar tonight, as well. Let's attack those unwelcome tumor cells with a one-two punch!
Being introduced to the Trilogy machine*
*It still drives me nuts that my sweater was bunched up in the back like that. :)
Making adjustments and being bolted to the table
Looks comfortable, eh? :)
Lining up the lasers
Dr. Gefter showed me where I might have hair loss that could take six months or more to grow back, but as Westin said tonight, "Jesus can hold your hair on with His hands. Right, Mommy?" I will stand in agreement with that!
I took my first dose of Temodar tonight, as well. Let's attack those unwelcome tumor cells with a one-two punch!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Tumor Update
I met with Dr. Gefter this morning to finish the radiation set-up. He and his staff took good care of me while my head was bolted to the table. :) Treatment should start tomorrow at 1:00pm. I will be taking Temodar during the entire six weeks of radiation.
Dr. Gefter mentioned that my recent MRI showed no new growth of the tumor itself (Praise the LORD!), but the section of the tumor that enhances with contrast has gotten larger. Enhancement of a tumor usually signifies malignancy. We are praying and believing for the radiation and Temodar to be effective with NO side effects.
And in other news... My Mom is going to be here in less than 48 hours. Woo-hoo!
Dr. Gefter mentioned that my recent MRI showed no new growth of the tumor itself (Praise the LORD!), but the section of the tumor that enhances with contrast has gotten larger. Enhancement of a tumor usually signifies malignancy. We are praying and believing for the radiation and Temodar to be effective with NO side effects.
And in other news... My Mom is going to be here in less than 48 hours. Woo-hoo!
"Vroom, Vroom..."
I think the easiest way to deal with the fact that I am not allowed to drive at this time is to pretend that I will never be able to drive again. I do not believe this is true, and I am not giving up hope that one day I will be seizure-free. I am just letting go of the short-term expectations. This journey is not a sprint. It is a marathon.
My level of frustration on a daily basis is closely related to the fact that I cannot drive myself anywhere at anytime. I have to find the place in my heart that says, "This is okay. I will find joy in this situation."
LORD, I trust you.
My level of frustration on a daily basis is closely related to the fact that I cannot drive myself anywhere at anytime. I have to find the place in my heart that says, "This is okay. I will find joy in this situation."
LORD, I trust you.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Life Goes On
I can't tell you how often I ask myself, "Is this for real?" The question usually crosses my mind in the middle of the most mundane tasks - folding laundry, bathing the boys, washing dishes.
Life goes on.
It was the first huge realization I had after being diagnosed with a brain tumor. Kevin and I made it back to Cleveland after our first meeting with Dr. Weaver in Nashville. It was late, and we stopped at Wal-Mart. I don't even remember what we needed. I decided to wait in the car while Kevin ran in. There were people coming and going, walking the same path yet with completely different intentions and manners. Some were laughing, some were talking on their phone, some walked with their head down.
It felt very weird. Here I was sitting in the car trying to absorb this massive pile of information that had landed in my lap less than 12 hours prior, and these people are shopping at Wal-Mart. WAL-MART! They had no idea I was scared. They had no idea I was confused and overwhelmed. They had no idea I even existed.
To me it felt like God had pressed the pause button on my life, but He didn't. Watching those people continue on with their daily lives made me realize that life goes on. It doesn't stop just because we receive a bad report from the doctor. It doesn't stop when a loved one dies. Life does not come with the option to play, pause, or stop. We won't even mention rewind and forward.
We must choose every day how we will react to the things thrown our way. I did not give up that night, and I will not give up now. I choose to keep moving forward, all the while tending to the daily needs of my family.
Life goes on.
It was the first huge realization I had after being diagnosed with a brain tumor. Kevin and I made it back to Cleveland after our first meeting with Dr. Weaver in Nashville. It was late, and we stopped at Wal-Mart. I don't even remember what we needed. I decided to wait in the car while Kevin ran in. There were people coming and going, walking the same path yet with completely different intentions and manners. Some were laughing, some were talking on their phone, some walked with their head down.
It felt very weird. Here I was sitting in the car trying to absorb this massive pile of information that had landed in my lap less than 12 hours prior, and these people are shopping at Wal-Mart. WAL-MART! They had no idea I was scared. They had no idea I was confused and overwhelmed. They had no idea I even existed.
To me it felt like God had pressed the pause button on my life, but He didn't. Watching those people continue on with their daily lives made me realize that life goes on. It doesn't stop just because we receive a bad report from the doctor. It doesn't stop when a loved one dies. Life does not come with the option to play, pause, or stop. We won't even mention rewind and forward.
We must choose every day how we will react to the things thrown our way. I did not give up that night, and I will not give up now. I choose to keep moving forward, all the while tending to the daily needs of my family.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Let go, let GOD, find joy.
I am stubborn.
I am selfish.
I have a temper.
I have control issues.
I am human.
I love with my whole heart.
I am sensitive.
I cry often.
I trust easily.
I am Me.
I am forgiven.
I am loved.
I have hope.
I am covered by grace.
HE is my Savior.
The real me is ugly. Very ugly.
But I am being chipped away bit by bit,
And one day His glory will be fully revealed in me.
That I might shine His light for all the world to see is my heart's true desire.
I am selfish.
I have a temper.
I have control issues.
I am human.
I love with my whole heart.
I am sensitive.
I cry often.
I trust easily.
I am Me.
I am forgiven.
I am loved.
I have hope.
I am covered by grace.
HE is my Savior.
The real me is ugly. Very ugly.
But I am being chipped away bit by bit,
And one day His glory will be fully revealed in me.
That I might shine His light for all the world to see is my heart's true desire.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
A Simple Prayer
This prayer was written on a small index card and given to me by my counselor. I have it memorized, but still keep it in plain sight as a reminder that my prayers do not have to be elaborate and complicated. God already sees my need, knows my heart, and loves me just the same.
Change me like You want to change me.
Bless me like You want to bless me.
Fill me like You want to fill me.
Use me like You want to use me.
LORD, cause Your plans for my life to prevail, and cause satan's plans for my life to fail.
That's it. Plain and simple.
I will leave you with this post I wrote on facebook:
"You cannot ask God to use you and then question His methods. Serving Christ requires that you trust Him completely with all that you are and with all that you have." -October 24, 2011
Change me like You want to change me.
Bless me like You want to bless me.
Fill me like You want to fill me.
Use me like You want to use me.
LORD, cause Your plans for my life to prevail, and cause satan's plans for my life to fail.
That's it. Plain and simple.
I will leave you with this post I wrote on facebook:
"You cannot ask God to use you and then question His methods. Serving Christ requires that you trust Him completely with all that you are and with all that you have." -October 24, 2011
Friday, January 27, 2012
Ignorance is bliss?
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. Every day brings new challenges which means new victories, and I am excited to see what today holds! I'm also looking forward to the day when my anxiety over writing is gone. Let's get to work on the overcoming process, shall we?
We've all heard the saying that ignorance is bliss, but is it really? Prior to October 14th, 2011, I was ignorant of the fact that there was a large tumor on the right side of my brain. I would normally consider this bliss, but I was also ignorant of how strong I am, how many people truly love and care for me, and how much my God loves me. I had the head-knowledge, but not the heart-knowledge, and there is a HUGE difference. Having John 3:16 memorized does not automatically mean you understand God's love for you, even though that is His greatest demonstration of love for His children.
On November 22, 2011 at 2:10am I finally GOT IT. **side note: Being put on steroids post-surgery leaves one prone to episodes of 'awakeness' at dark-thirty on a regular basis. :) Now, back to the love stuff...** I often took advantage of my inability to sleep by praying and reading my Bible. It was on this night that I began to pour out my love for my Savior. I was overwhelmed with all He had given me - grace, mercy, love, peace, provision, safety, and I just couldn't say it enough.
"Lord, I love you!" Over and over again.
His response to my cries of affection took me by surprise. I did not hear an audible voice, but He gently spoke to my heart saying, "No matter how much you love me, I will ALWAYS love you more." Whoa. What? "You cannot out-love me."
All I could do was sob. I got it. I finally got it. God's love for ME cannot be surpassed or diminished. The more I seek Him, the more I love him, and the more He loves me in return. It's just so amazing!
We've all heard the saying that ignorance is bliss, but is it really? Prior to October 14th, 2011, I was ignorant of the fact that there was a large tumor on the right side of my brain. I would normally consider this bliss, but I was also ignorant of how strong I am, how many people truly love and care for me, and how much my God loves me. I had the head-knowledge, but not the heart-knowledge, and there is a HUGE difference. Having John 3:16 memorized does not automatically mean you understand God's love for you, even though that is His greatest demonstration of love for His children.
On November 22, 2011 at 2:10am I finally GOT IT. **side note: Being put on steroids post-surgery leaves one prone to episodes of 'awakeness' at dark-thirty on a regular basis. :) Now, back to the love stuff...** I often took advantage of my inability to sleep by praying and reading my Bible. It was on this night that I began to pour out my love for my Savior. I was overwhelmed with all He had given me - grace, mercy, love, peace, provision, safety, and I just couldn't say it enough.
"Lord, I love you!" Over and over again.
His response to my cries of affection took me by surprise. I did not hear an audible voice, but He gently spoke to my heart saying, "No matter how much you love me, I will ALWAYS love you more." Whoa. What? "You cannot out-love me."
All I could do was sob. I got it. I finally got it. God's love for ME cannot be surpassed or diminished. The more I seek Him, the more I love him, and the more He loves me in return. It's just so amazing!
Friday, January 20, 2012
Taking the first step seems to be the hardest.
I will write. I will ignore the chills and tremors that start as anxiety creeps in, because God's Word tells me, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." -Philippians 4:13 (NKJV)
This is my journey, and although I may not ever know its purpose, I do believe it has one. There is more to this brain tumor than just a cool scar and a new haircut. This is just the physical path that I am walking down for now, but it is the battle within that must be fought in order for me to be victorious in the end.
For future reference:
I plan to use this blog more as an online journal than anything else.
Comments are welcome.
Grammar police are not. ;)
This is my journey, and although I may not ever know its purpose, I do believe it has one. There is more to this brain tumor than just a cool scar and a new haircut. This is just the physical path that I am walking down for now, but it is the battle within that must be fought in order for me to be victorious in the end.
For future reference:
I plan to use this blog more as an online journal than anything else.
Comments are welcome.
Grammar police are not. ;)
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