Radiation: Day 1

I did it! I survived my first day of treatment! :) It actually wasn't that bad. Kevin took these lovely pictures for me:

Being introduced to the Trilogy machine*

*It still drives me nuts that my sweater was bunched up in the back like that. :)

Making adjustments and being bolted to the table

 Looks comfortable, eh? :)

 Lining up the lasers

After bolting my head to the table, the technicians took some x-rays to make sure I was in the correct position. Then Dr. Gefter (Radiation Oncologist) and Dr. Berg (Medical Physicist) did a dry run to make sure my mask was marked correctly. We were all set! The actual treatment lasted less than two minutes, and I didn't feel a thing.

Dr. Gefter showed me where I might have hair loss that could take six months or more to grow back, but as Westin said tonight, "Jesus can hold your hair on with His hands. Right, Mommy?" I will stand in agreement with that!

I took my first dose of Temodar tonight, as well. Let's attack those unwelcome tumor cells with a one-two punch!

Tumor Update

I met with Dr. Gefter this morning to finish the radiation set-up. He and his staff took good care of me while my head was bolted to the table. :)  Treatment should start tomorrow at 1:00pm. I will be taking Temodar during the entire six weeks of radiation.

Dr. Gefter mentioned that my recent MRI showed no new growth of the tumor itself (Praise the LORD!), but the section of the tumor that enhances with contrast has gotten larger. Enhancement of a tumor usually signifies malignancy. We are praying and believing for the radiation and Temodar to be effective with NO side effects.

And in other news... My Mom is going to be here in less than 48 hours. Woo-hoo!

"Vroom, Vroom..."

I think the easiest way to deal with the fact that I am not allowed to drive at this time is to pretend that I will never be able to drive again. I do not believe this is true, and I am not giving up hope that one day I will be seizure-free. I am just letting go of the short-term expectations. This journey is not a sprint. It is a marathon.

My level of frustration on a daily basis is closely related to the fact that I cannot drive myself anywhere at anytime. I have to find the place in my heart that says, "This is okay. I will find joy in this situation."

LORD, I trust you.

Life Goes On

I can't tell you how often I ask myself, "Is this for real?"  The question usually crosses my mind in the middle of the most mundane tasks - folding laundry, bathing the boys, washing dishes.

Life goes on.

It was the first huge realization I had after being diagnosed with a brain tumor. Kevin and I made it back to Cleveland after our first meeting with Dr. Weaver in Nashville. It was late, and we stopped at Wal-Mart. I don't even remember what we needed. I decided to wait in the car while Kevin ran in. There were people coming and going, walking the same path yet with completely different intentions and manners. Some were laughing, some were talking on their phone, some walked with their head down.

It felt very weird. Here I was sitting in the car trying to absorb this massive pile of information that had landed in my lap less than 12 hours prior, and these people are shopping at Wal-Mart. WAL-MART! They had no idea I was scared. They had no idea I was confused and overwhelmed. They had no idea I even existed.

To me it felt like God had pressed the pause button on my life, but He didn't. Watching those people continue on with their daily lives made me realize that life goes on. It doesn't stop just because we receive a bad report from the doctor. It doesn't stop when a loved one dies. Life does not come with the option to play, pause, or stop. We won't even mention rewind and forward.

We must choose every day how we will react to the things thrown our way. I did not give up that night, and I will not give up now. I choose to keep moving forward, all the while tending to the daily needs of my family.

Let go, let GOD, find joy.

I am stubborn.
I am selfish.
I have a temper.
I have control issues.
I am human.

I love with my whole heart.
I am sensitive.
I cry often.
I trust easily.
I am Me.

I am forgiven.
I am loved.
I have hope.
I am covered by grace.
HE is my Savior.

The real me is ugly. Very ugly.
But I am being chipped away bit by bit,
And one day His glory will be fully revealed in me.

That I might shine His light for all the world to see is my heart's true desire.

A Simple Prayer

This prayer was written on a small index card and given to me by my counselor. I have it memorized, but still keep it in plain sight as a reminder that my prayers do not have to be elaborate and complicated. God already sees my need, knows my heart, and loves me just the same.


Change me like You want to change me.
Bless me like You want to bless me.
Fill me like You want to fill me.
Use me like You want to use me.

LORD, cause Your plans for my life to prevail, and cause satan's plans for my life to fail.


That's it. Plain and simple.

I will leave you with this post I wrote on facebook:
"You cannot ask God to use you and then question His methods. Serving Christ requires that you trust Him completely with all that you are and with all that you have." -October 24, 2011