When we first found out about my tumor, I started using a notebook to write down scriptures and encouraging words - things I could reflect on quickly without flipping endlessly through my Bible or devotion books. In recent days I have used that notebook to write several journal entries. These personal entries speak more truth than I am comfortable sharing with the world. But what good is my testimony of God's greatness if I am not honest with you (and myself) about my struggle. Because in my darkest hour is when HE shines brightest.
So, here are the thoughts I struggle with daily:
I HATE having a brain tumor.
But God...
I HATE being told that any brain tumor, whether benign or malignant, is considered brain cancer.
But God...
I HATE not being allowed to drive.
But God...
I HATE feeling like a prisoner in my own home.
But God...
I HATE that my family is suffering along with me.
But God...
I HATE having seizures.
But God...
I HATE feeling guilty for all this frustration.
But God...
I have struggled with this feeling of hate because I thought it contradicted trusting God. Now I feel differently. I can still have complete faith and trust in my Savior and hate the situation. Just like any parent hates when their child is sick. It doesn't mean they trust God less. (Maybe I'm wrong about this. If so, you wise theologians are welcome to correct me and lead me in the right direction.) I just know for myself, if I am to have joy and peace in the midst of this trial, then I need to be able to express my true feelings without the guilt. God already knows what I'm thinking and how I feel anyways. He knows me better than I know myself. Thank goodness! :)
