A Life Lived Now

It was five months ago today we walked out of a hotel in Nashville at dark-thirty in the morning and started a drive that would seem to take hours and yet was over entirely too soon. Mom had been with us for almost a month already, and Dad flew up the day before. Grandpa and Grandma Tucker also drove up from Florida to join us on this uncertain journey. I was having brain surgery.

Shower. Seizure meds with only a sip of water. No lotion, makeup, or nail polish. Having the last-minute conversations that are uncomfortable, but necessary. It was a quiet morning filled with small talk to help the time pass, but mostly filled with prayer and reflection. We stood together in the lobby of the hospital one last time before they took me back, and we placed our trust in a God who already knew how the day would unfold.

 

My journey with an unresectable brain tumor continues to be completely unpredictable. So it seems appropriate that today - exactly five months after surgery, I will head to Erlanger for my final radiation treatment. 30-0!

Another scan is scheduled for the morning of May 16th in Nashville. Then Kevin and I will meet with Dr. Moots the same afternoon to discuss the results. I will most likely continue taking Temodar (chemo pill) for another six months, but aside from that, I have no idea what happens next. And that's okay. I will work hard to enjoy each day to the fullest, because none of us is guaranteed tomorrow.

Pictures

I originally had no intention of posting pictures of my hair loss (from radiation treatment) on here or Facebook or anywhere for that matter, but then I was like, "Whatever."  :)  This is just part of the journey.

*Side note: The boys and I were going to have pictures made on Tuesday, March 13th, but a couple of seizures canceled that. So, I moved it back to Friday. I almost scheduled our session for the following Monday, but I knew my hair would probably start falling out soon. It was a good thing I opted for Friday, because by Sunday I was shedding like crazy.

Friday, March 16th
Mommy, Westin, and Nolan

Sunday, March 18th - My part is getting wider, and a mild bald spot starts to appear on the right side of my head.

Monday, March 19th - Significant changes:

Friday, March 23rd - Getting a mohawk is no longer an option:

I now have an extremely large area of baldness. It's such a shame, too, because I really liked my hair. :)  The plan is to shave the rest of it off as soon as I have permission from the doctor. (I think we're going to throw a head-shaving party!)  Then I might look for a cute wig to wear - or not. Either way, I will still have to wear hats whenever I am outside to protect my scalp from the sun.

A Heart Full...

My heart has been heavy for some time now with burdens and thoughts that I cannot ignore. They are quite persistent. So, here I am. There is no better way to do this than to just let it spill out.

I am a Christian. I believe the Bible is truth. I believe in one God who created the heavens and the earth. I believe that Jesus Christ is my Savior, and He died on a cross for me. A sinner. A sinner saved only by grace. I do not always understand everything the Bible has to say, and I don't suppose I ever will this side of heaven. But that doesn't mean I won't try.

I will make mistakes. I do make mistakes. Every day. I have to say I'm sorry. I have to admit I am wrong. I have to ask for forgiveness over and over again. And that's okay, because I know I am loved and forgiven. Forgiven by a God who knows me better than I know myself.

I confessed my issue with anger and rage to someone I trust recently, and it was so freeing. I felt like it was this dark cloud hanging over me ready to shoot lightning down on my head at any second. I don't think I purposely hid it from everyone around me, but I certainly wasn't preaching it from the pulpit either. Sure there were times where I would tell a friend about my temper, but the usual response was just laughter and a shrug. "You're too sweet to have a temper," or "Not you," they would would say.

The ones closest to me knew it all too well, though. Kevin, my boys, my family. They knew know the real me. The short-tempered person who has trouble controlling her rage sometimes. There is no excuse for this unbecoming behavior. It is my sinful nature in this fallen world, and it must be put to death. Which is why on that particular Sunday morning I decided to confess my sin to a fellow believer. I was not judged or scolded, but prayed with and gently guided to scriptures that would help me on my path to righteousness.

The freedom I found in sharing my very personal struggle got me thinking about how many times we as believers miss out on a blessing (or deliverance, or freedom, or healing, or forgiveness, etc.) because we are too stubborn (or prideful, or ashamed, or bitter, etc.) to confess our sins one to another. I'm not talking about telling me everything you've ever done or sharing every sin and wrong choice with the world. But what if...

WHAT IF you let your confession become your testimony?
What if you took the time to share your story and in the process helped someone else find the courage to share theirs, too? What if the testimony you gave of how God saved you from a sinful life and set you free by the power of His blood led another sinner to faith in Christ? What if?

Please do not go out to the street corner and confess your sins to the world just because you read this blog post. I'm not pushing for that. I'm only urging you to pray and listen for what the Holy Spirit might be leading you to do.

Halfway!

Today marked the end of my third week of radiation treatment. We are halfway to the finish line! :)

I have lost quite a bit of hair from the top and right side of my scalp. I'm not afraid of having bald spots, but the process of watching it fall out 20-30 strands at a time is frustrating. Kevin will probably need to invest in some Drano when all is said and done. *I will try to get some pictures of my bald head up this week.

How am I feeling? A little tired most of the time, but not a huge noticeable difference when you consider I am used to chasing my 4yo and 1yo sons. I am so grateful that my Mom is here to help out with them and to drive me to my treatments. I did have two seizures last week that were frightening, but the good doctor got me straightened out by putting me on steroids. Now I have an increased appetite, and I tend to feel wired throughout the day. I even woke up at 5:30 this morning, which brought back lots of post-surgery memories. My most productive hours after surgery were from 4am-7am. 

I have not done a good job of keeping this updated, and that's okay. Maybe I should add a tab next to the Timeline where I can copy my random (and short) comments from facebook. What do you think?

More to come...

Radiation: Day 1

I did it! I survived my first day of treatment! :) It actually wasn't that bad. Kevin took these lovely pictures for me:

Being introduced to the Trilogy machine*

*It still drives me nuts that my sweater was bunched up in the back like that. :)

Making adjustments and being bolted to the table

 Looks comfortable, eh? :)

 Lining up the lasers

After bolting my head to the table, the technicians took some x-rays to make sure I was in the correct position. Then Dr. Gefter (Radiation Oncologist) and Dr. Berg (Medical Physicist) did a dry run to make sure my mask was marked correctly. We were all set! The actual treatment lasted less than two minutes, and I didn't feel a thing.

Dr. Gefter showed me where I might have hair loss that could take six months or more to grow back, but as Westin said tonight, "Jesus can hold your hair on with His hands. Right, Mommy?" I will stand in agreement with that!

I took my first dose of Temodar tonight, as well. Let's attack those unwelcome tumor cells with a one-two punch!