When we first found out about my tumor, I started using a notebook to write down scriptures and encouraging words - things I could reflect on quickly without flipping endlessly through my Bible or devotion books. In recent days I have used that notebook to write several journal entries. These personal entries speak more truth than I am comfortable sharing with the world. But what good is my testimony of God's greatness if I am not honest with you (and myself) about my struggle. Because in my darkest hour is when HE shines brightest.
So, here are the thoughts I struggle with daily:
I HATE having a brain tumor.
But God...
I HATE being told that any brain tumor, whether benign or malignant, is considered brain cancer.
But God...
I HATE not being allowed to drive.
But God...
I HATE feeling like a prisoner in my own home.
But God...
I HATE that my family is suffering along with me.
But God...
I HATE having seizures.
But God...
I HATE feeling guilty for all this frustration.
But God...
I have struggled with this feeling of hate because I thought it contradicted trusting God. Now I feel differently. I can still have complete faith and trust in my Savior and hate the situation. Just like any parent hates when their child is sick. It doesn't mean they trust God less. (Maybe I'm wrong about this. If so, you wise theologians are welcome to correct me and lead me in the right direction.) I just know for myself, if I am to have joy and peace in the midst of this trial, then I need to be able to express my true feelings without the guilt. God already knows what I'm thinking and how I feel anyways. He knows me better than I know myself. Thank goodness! :)
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Saturday, November 3, 2012
I'll Praise You in this Storm
I thought starting a blog would be the easiest way to keep everyone updated, but I don't enjoy blogging, and I'm okay with that. It reminds me too much of writing essays and papers in high school. BLEH!
Kevin and I made a trip to Nashville this past week for another MRI scan on the 29th and an appointment with the doctor on the 30th. Both were uneventful as far as appointments go. Check in, get stuck (Labs/IV), wait, wait, wait, take care of business, go home. What's funny, I guess, is that as many times as I've had needles shoved in my arms, I'm starting to remember the people who are good at what they do and the ones who should practice on themselves before going to work. Ouch!
We met with Dr. Moots on Tuesday morning to discuss the MRI. His initial assessment before receiving the radiologist's report was that there were no changes to the tumor. If there were any, they were minimal. Then on 10/31 he sent me a message with the following information:
The official report on the MRI is that the core is unchanged. The deep or inner edge on the views without contrast was described as "minimally increased". This can result from radiation after-effects, although we cannot entirely exclude tumor growth as the cause. I think the best plan is to push ahead and we will keep watching that closely on the MRIs.
So, we will keep on keeping on. I believe that NOTHING is impossible for God, and I have prayed that this tumor would bring Him glory. I fail Him when I rely on my own strength, but I know that when I surrender my will to Him the possibilities are endless!
Kevin and I made a trip to Nashville this past week for another MRI scan on the 29th and an appointment with the doctor on the 30th. Both were uneventful as far as appointments go. Check in, get stuck (Labs/IV), wait, wait, wait, take care of business, go home. What's funny, I guess, is that as many times as I've had needles shoved in my arms, I'm starting to remember the people who are good at what they do and the ones who should practice on themselves before going to work. Ouch!
We met with Dr. Moots on Tuesday morning to discuss the MRI. His initial assessment before receiving the radiologist's report was that there were no changes to the tumor. If there were any, they were minimal. Then on 10/31 he sent me a message with the following information:
The official report on the MRI is that the core is unchanged. The deep or inner edge on the views without contrast was described as "minimally increased". This can result from radiation after-effects, although we cannot entirely exclude tumor growth as the cause. I think the best plan is to push ahead and we will keep watching that closely on the MRIs.
So, we will keep on keeping on. I believe that NOTHING is impossible for God, and I have prayed that this tumor would bring Him glory. I fail Him when I rely on my own strength, but I know that when I surrender my will to Him the possibilities are endless!
Friday, October 12, 2012
You Stink, Mr. Focal Seizure!
Today marks exactly one year since I went for a drive by myself. (Oh, how I took driving for granted.) It was a Wednesday night, and I had an appointment at the Sky Ridge Westside campus for my very first MRI scan ever. I will never forget that night. Two life-changing events (as my Mom put it earlier) occurring at the same time. Brain scan and last time driving for a year.
It's really too bad that I had no clue it would be my last trip alone for a while. I may have just kept on going, and going, and going... Well, at least until I got tired, haha. I am the mother of two young boys. I imagine I would have driven to the mountain top and taken in the view. Or cruised down the strip blasting Natalie Grant's latest album.
Just kidding about cruising the strip, but I did/do like my music loud when I drive.
In the state of TN a person must be seizure-free for six months before he/she is allowed to drive again. While I have not had my license revoked, my seizure activity has been noted on my medical record. It's hard not to count the days since my last seizure (about 2 weeks!), even though it's such a crushing feeling to know that the clock starts over every time I have one. I dream of the day I can get behind the wheel. It WILL come eventually. It has to. This has been the longest year of my life thus far.
It's really too bad that I had no clue it would be my last trip alone for a while. I may have just kept on going, and going, and going... Well, at least until I got tired, haha. I am the mother of two young boys. I imagine I would have driven to the mountain top and taken in the view. Or cruised down the strip blasting Natalie Grant's latest album.
Just kidding about cruising the strip, but I did/do like my music loud when I drive.
In the state of TN a person must be seizure-free for six months before he/she is allowed to drive again. While I have not had my license revoked, my seizure activity has been noted on my medical record. It's hard not to count the days since my last seizure (about 2 weeks!), even though it's such a crushing feeling to know that the clock starts over every time I have one. I dream of the day I can get behind the wheel. It WILL come eventually. It has to. This has been the longest year of my life thus far.
Friday, September 21, 2012
What's Your Mud?
Life is not all daisies and sunshine. The rain comes whether you're ready for it or not, and when it does, you can find yourself trudging through the mud. Sometimes the mud is only surface deep. You slip and slide, maybe even fall down a time or two, but you get out rather quickly. Sometimes the mud is up to your knees. You lose both shoes with your first steps in, and your progress is minimal. This is the last place you want to be - stuck in the muck and mire.
But you can't quit.
You have to keep putting one foot in front of the other to try to get out. It's the only option. It's dirty, it's tiring, and it's lonely. There are people on the sidelines cheering you on, offering you support, and hoping for the best, but YOU are the one fighting for every step. YOU are the one determined to find your footing and make it out of the miry pit. There are tears shed. Sometimes hope is lost. But in the middle of that stinky, yucky, dirty mess is a Savior whose name is Jesus. He is there just waiting for you to call out His name. He is faithful and will never leave you. He will see you through to the other side when you put your trust in Him. He is your hope.
He is my hope.
Psalm 40:1-2
1 I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. 2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
But you can't quit.
You have to keep putting one foot in front of the other to try to get out. It's the only option. It's dirty, it's tiring, and it's lonely. There are people on the sidelines cheering you on, offering you support, and hoping for the best, but YOU are the one fighting for every step. YOU are the one determined to find your footing and make it out of the miry pit. There are tears shed. Sometimes hope is lost. But in the middle of that stinky, yucky, dirty mess is a Savior whose name is Jesus. He is there just waiting for you to call out His name. He is faithful and will never leave you. He will see you through to the other side when you put your trust in Him. He is your hope.
He is my hope.
Psalm 40:1-2
1 I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. 2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Little Bits of Information
I just finished my third round of chemo.
I am grateful that Temodar does not have the same harsh side effects as traditional chemotherapy.
Temodar does leave me slightly nauseous by day five, though.
The last two rounds have also left me with hives - fun! :/
This round I was smart enough to take a benadryl.
I still love folded chips!
The good doctor boosted my steroid dosage during this last round of Temodar to prevent any reactions.
The increased steroids have provided me the most restless sleep ever.
I am grateful the steroids did not increase my appetite.
I wish the steroids would make this bald spot on my head disappear. :)
Being diagnosed with a brain tumor really changes your perspective on what's important in life.
I am grateful that Temodar does not have the same harsh side effects as traditional chemotherapy.
Temodar does leave me slightly nauseous by day five, though.
The last two rounds have also left me with hives - fun! :/
This round I was smart enough to take a benadryl.
I still love folded chips!
The good doctor boosted my steroid dosage during this last round of Temodar to prevent any reactions.
The increased steroids have provided me the most restless sleep ever.
I am grateful the steroids did not increase my appetite.
I wish the steroids would make this bald spot on my head disappear. :)
Being diagnosed with a brain tumor really changes your perspective on what's important in life.
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