Unexpected Emotions

Sometimes you just need to have a good cry.

Lucky Seven

A package arrived via UPS today. Its contents were that of Temodar Round #7. My chemo pills used to come in standard prescription bottles or dark glass bottles from my local pharmacy, but a new year brings new policies. Introducing the giant warning label:

Makes you feel all giddy inside, right? :)

Our daily lives play out with routine acts---changing diapers, washing dishes, folding laundry, etc., until a package arrives, and you are once more reminded that life will never be the same. You cannot live as you lived before.

The same is true for those of us who accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior. You know your life will never be the same. Even if you turn your back on Christ and try to run the other way, He has already touched a place in your heart that cannot be filled by anything else. There will always be a void until you turn around.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. - 2 Corinthians 5:17 NKJV

It's Twenty-Thirteen!

This past year was filled with too many moments of feeling alone and disconnected. My goal for 2013 is to rise above my circumstances and become more intentional about forming/nourishing relationships. I will have to think hard and get creative since I can't drive, don't work outside my home (due to aforementioned circumstance), and have no social life.

At least I know my relationships with the doctors and the nurses won't be ending anytime soon. I am in the middle of Round 6 of Temodar, and Dr. Moots recommended another six rounds to which Kevin quickly nodded yes.

This journey sometimes feels as if it will never end, but I know there will be a day...

Coming Clean

When we first found out about my tumor, I started using a notebook to write down scriptures and encouraging words - things I could reflect on quickly without flipping endlessly through my Bible or devotion books. In recent days I have used that notebook to write several journal entries. These personal entries speak more truth than I am comfortable sharing with the world. But what good is my testimony of God's greatness if I am not honest with you (and myself) about my struggle. Because in my darkest hour is when HE shines brightest.

So, here are the thoughts I struggle with daily:

I HATE having a brain tumor.
   But God...
I HATE being told that any brain tumor, whether benign or malignant, is considered brain cancer.
   But God...
I HATE not being allowed to drive.
   But God...
I HATE feeling like a prisoner in my own home.
   But God...
I HATE that my family is suffering along with me.
   But God...
I HATE having seizures.
   But God...
I HATE feeling guilty for all this frustration.
   But God...

I have struggled with this feeling of hate because I thought it contradicted trusting God. Now I feel differently. I can still have complete faith and trust in my Savior and hate the situation. Just like any parent hates when their child is sick. It doesn't mean they trust God less. (Maybe I'm wrong about this. If so, you wise theologians are welcome to correct me and lead me in the right direction.) I just know for myself, if I am to have joy and peace in the midst of this trial, then I need to be able to express my true feelings without the guilt. God already knows what I'm thinking and how I feel anyways. He knows me better than I know myself. Thank goodness! :)

I'll Praise You in this Storm

I thought starting a blog would be the easiest way to keep everyone updated, but I don't enjoy blogging, and I'm okay with that. It reminds me too much of writing essays and papers in high school. BLEH!

Kevin and I made a trip to Nashville this past week for another MRI scan on the 29th and an appointment with the doctor on the 30th. Both were uneventful as far as appointments go. Check in, get stuck (Labs/IV), wait, wait, wait, take care of business, go home. What's funny, I guess, is that as many times as I've had needles shoved in my arms, I'm starting to remember the people who are good at what they do and the ones who should practice on themselves before going to work. Ouch!

We met with Dr. Moots on Tuesday morning to discuss the MRI. His initial assessment before receiving the radiologist's report was that there were no changes to the tumor. If there were any, they were minimal. Then on 10/31 he sent me a message with the following information:

The official report on the MRI is that the core is unchanged. The deep or inner edge on the views without contrast was described as "minimally increased". This can result from radiation after-effects, although we cannot entirely exclude tumor growth as the cause. I think the best plan is to push ahead and we will keep watching that closely on the MRIs.

So, we will keep on keeping on. I believe that NOTHING is impossible for God, and I have prayed that this tumor would bring Him glory. I fail Him when I rely on my own strength, but I know that when I surrender my will to Him the possibilities are endless!